So here are five totally randomly selected ways in which I find Eve Online to be totally weird. Tongue firmly in-cheek, humor intended stuff here. Not serious.
1. Criminal Timers
I'm in a low security system alone with some schmuck in another ship. It is just me and that other guy I like to call "Target Ted". Target Ted is ratting in a belt ( I know that is a Myth, but let's use it for the purpose of the story, k?) in a Rifter. And I, being notoriously ebil, am in another ship capable of killing his Rifter dead. I warp into the belt, having used my superior d-scan abilities to track Ted's ass down, and start shooting at Ted. Just cause.
But Ted ain't as dumb as he looks and warps away, cause Ted fit WCS to his Rifter despite me repeatedly telling people not to do that! I imagine Ted's comms must have gone something like this, "Uh Station Control? Uh yeah, this is Target Ted over in Belt Six. Yeah, look, this Rixx Javix fella is shooting his guns at me!! No I'm fine, I gots 4 WCS fitted!! Yes, yes I know they kill kittens and I don't care. Look, I warped out, but could you do something about this menace? What?!? Thirty seconds?! That's all?"
Oh gosh. I can't dock for thirty seconds. More time to study for Amarr BS V I guess.
2. Situational Awareness
What a mess! Seriously, think about it for more than a second. Local shows every dood in the system you are in instantly, and yet shares none of that information with YOU. Imagine this in Real Life for a second, you've got this app on your phone that shows you a picture of everyone within a 30 mile radius of you, and yet tells you nothing about where they might be. They could be right behind you, right now!! Unless they happen to walk into range... then they show up. No one signs up for this app btw, it shows you even if you don't want it to.
In order to find your neighbors you need the Eve version of a Dowsing Rod. Twirl around in your ship for a bit until the wooden stick tingles, the guy you are looking for is over that way somewhere. Y'know, in general. How far is he? Which of those clusters of icons is he in? Hehe, go look for yourself ya schmuck.
I actually love this part of Eve and I don't have a brilliant way to make it better, but it is rather silly when you think about it. We can build Jump Drives and Civilian Autocannons, but we can't do better than this on the single most important element in all of Eve? Uh huh. Don't even get me started on Local Chat... imagine that app?
3. Those Ships Flying By Your Hanger?
If you spin your ship in the right direction while in station these days you are bound to spot the busy traffic passing by your huge hanger. And while the Stations in Eve are obviously built using TARDIS Technology, even that doesn't explain these creepy Ghost Ships. You are the only one in local and yet there they go, back and forth, like busy little bees. Who the f**k are these people!?!
I know for a fact they are not undocking. I've been outside a lonely station and no one is coming out of it. So they must be up to something else and I, luckily for you, have a theory. That part of the station is a huge circle and those ships are part of the HUGE Pilot Training Certification Program (PTCP). Yep, those ships can't undock, cause they are going around in circles learning the best ways to not bump into each other, or crash into the sides of the station causing untold billions in property damage expelling air into space and causing the deaths of thousands of innocent people. Cause those kinds of skills are so important out in space... >cough<
It gets boring in Station. The doors don't work and the only recreation people have is to take the family Dominix out for a spin around the Center Circle. "Let's go watch Timmy pass the window again!!"
4. Without Pants
I've got news for you that you might not like much, you and everyone else in Eve is flying around Nekkid. Yep, we are in our ships of terror, zipping around the universe in our birthday suits. This fact alone must make public speaking in New Eden extremely easy.
So at some point between the balcony and the pod, all of us take off all our clothes and step into the Capsule for the ride up to the ship... Nekkid. For everyone in station to get a good look at our naughty bits.
I'm not sure why we have to fly our ships naked, or what effect that has on the crew... if there is a crew! (Ooooooo, but that's another post.) There is an alternate theory out there that the pod destruction destroys clothing, but I don't buy it. How would it do that in exactly the same fashion every time? Doesn't make logical sense, and as you know, everything I write needs to meet that criteria.
This might have something to do with those circling ships...
5. Being a Zombie
I've died 80 times in Eve so far. Dead. Kaput. Pushing up daisies. Flinging myself from this mortal coil and dashing headlong into the aft... only to be brought back once more into this hell hole existence where everyone wants to keel me. And this doesn't even begin to mention the thousands and thousands of times I've been disassembled and flung hither and thou from one end of the Universe to the other every time I "jump" thru a gate or a cyno thingie.
Maybe this is why I became a Pirate? The lack of a soul, since it went and joined the heavenly choir about six years ago. Don't believe in souls? Well then you are a Zombie Eve Pilot. Walking around all dead inside, reborn into a new body, with hatches on your head where they stick those expensive implants and "inject" skills into your brain. (Why learn a skill that only involves pushing a button? Off topic.)
Oh yes, Eve is weirder than you probably realized. And those five things are just scratching the surface really. I could go on and on.
But I do have to save some things for later. Plus, I really want to go get nekkid and run around dying all over the place. There are 80 Rixx corpses just floating around in space somewhere. Next time you hear a thud when flying around, that might be me!
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